We live in a world where the volume is always
high, the pace is frenetic and the bigger and faster the better! Competition begins way too early and young
people’s social relationships mirror those that used to occur in high
school. So how does a shy child fit
in? Not very well. But don’t worry, shy children can be helped
to feel comfortable with their peers.
Please read on.
Self-esteem is the most important part of
us. It enables us to present ourselves
to the world in a way that either celebrates who we are or makes us unable to
form lasting healthy relationships and dread being a part of the everyday
world. Our self-esteem is formed very
early in our lives. It is “alive.” It can change and grow and fluctuate. The best thing we can do is to help our
children start out feeling as confident and secure as possible!
Back to shyness. The most serious self-esteem problems often occur in children who
tend to be anxious, shy and withdrawn.
Not too surprising. A basic rule
in psychology is that as anxiety goes up, self-esteem goes down. People who are anxious are very aware of it,
feel funny about it and see others as stronger and more confident than
themselves. Shyness is especially
difficult for kids. Children who are
shy are often afraid that they will do the wrong thing and that others will not
like them. After about age eight, when
forming same-sex peer relationships is very important, shy children become more
aware of their social withdrawal and feel more frustrated by it. Parents often tend to forget about their shy
children because these kids don’t bother anyone. They aren’t rebellious and they are often cooperative and helpful. They don’t want to offend you or their
peers. To them the social part of their
life is a big zero, and to them this fact drowns out whatever strengths they
may have in other areas.
Don’t despair! Remember I said that the self-concept is open to change? What these children need is an “agent.” According to Dr. Thomas Phelan, creator of
1-2-3 Magic, shy youngsters need a kind of “social engineer” who will help them
make and sustain contact with other children.
Many shy kids are capable of having friends, but on their own they can’t
get through the initial “break-in” phases of a relationship. They need a parent to pick up the phone,
make some calls, invite people over, do some chauffeuring and accompany them –
at least for a while – to different activities. Shy children need exposure to other children on a regular basis.
To a young child, the difference between two
friends and one friend is not so big.
The difference, however, between one friend and no friends is infinite.
Something to think about. Lots of children are shy and it does not
mean that there are serious problems going on!
My daughter was “shy” during her elementary school years. Each of her teachers would say to me with
concern in their voices, “She is awfully quiet, you know.” I began to think there was something wrong,
but realized she was just a quiet child!
She had normal peer relationships with their normal “ups and
downs.” She is a very successful 23
year old and could still be considered “quiet.” Not to me, of course! As
a parent, you can tell when shyness is problematic and needs to be
addressed. So put on your chauffeur
hat, and make those play dates if you have concerns. This is just another part of our role as parents to help our
children grow up to be happy and successful people!
Katie Haig
School Counselor
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