Hello and a very Happy and Healthy New Year to
everyone! For my first article of 2007
I am sharing some interesting and helpful information with you regarding your
response to the sometimes wonderfully creative yet parentally challenging remarks
made to you by your children. Before
you jump in with advice or discipline, sometimes it is best to listen first, as
difficult as that may be! First, to get
yourself into the proper frame of mind, do some self-talk. For example, “I am going to hear what my
child has to say and find out exactly what he thinks or feels about what is
going on.” Then, several different
things can be done:
1. Openers – these
are brief comments or questions to get further information from your
child. Remember that active listening
must come before any problem-solving discussion. If discipline or other action is necessary, worry about that
after you have gotten all the facts.
Keep it simple: “Oh?” or “Wow” for example. Anything is okay as long as it communicates you are willing to
listen sympathetically. This can also
include non-verbal behavior, such as sitting down next to your child or putting
down the paper to look at him.
2. Nonjudgmental
Questions – after openers, more questions are often necessary. Try not to be judgmental. Instead of “What on earth were you
thinking?” try “What do you think made you do that?” or “Sounds like this is
really bothering you.” Be aware of your
tone of voice.
3. Reflecting
Feelings – Try to let your child know that you can imagine how he must have
felt. Say something like, “That must
have been very hard for you.”
Reflecting feelings lets the child know that whatever he is feeling is
okay. It is what he does about it that
can be right or wrong. This response
reinforces self-esteem and helps to diffuse the feeling so it is not acted out
somewhere else.
4. Perception Checks
– From time to time check out whether you are really getting a good idea of
what your child is saying. This not
only lets you know whether you are understanding him correctly, it tells the
child that you are really listening and trying to see the world for a moment
through his eyes.
Active listening is an attitude -- your
attitude. It is the attitude of
sincerely trying to figure out what someone else is thinking even if you don’t
agree. It is a great self-esteem
builder and you will find that if you listen well you can learn a lot about
what your children think about life!
These ideas are adapted from 1-2-3 Magic Effective
Discipline for Children 2-12 by Dr. Thomas Phelan. If these suggestions sound like winners to you, you may want to
check out this book and others by Dr. Phelan.
Good luck and good listening!!
Sincerely,
Katie Haig
Back
to Counselor’s Corner Homepage